Food Snob

People seek experiences that satiate their needs.  One of those needs is to consume.  Another need is entertainment.  The two combined usually result in dining out.  In a town where you can find restaurants galore in a stones throw of one another, Asheville has become a culinary melting pot of ideas. Some flourish and others fade which begs the question: can you judge a book by it's cover? Can you judge a restaurant on the amount of filled seats?  Is it the experience, the food or the delicate combination of both?  Can a restaurant make it with ordinary food and amazing service or is the food alone that measures its success?  Why do people sit and wait for what seems like hours at Mellow Mushroom?

Ashevillians peacefully rioting for pizza

This question has always perplexed me as their food has never been mind blowing.  Does this interference allow the diner to shed any guilt of actually enjoying themselves while being gawked at by hungry on lookers awaiting a table?  Is it some magical force from a fault line miles deep emitting odorless happy gas?  I have no idea.  This is Asheville.  Home of the oddities that make it unique. Blah Blah Blah.
 

Okay, if my wife was reading this she lost all interest at magical fault line.  Hopefully you didn't.  You must be thinking how truly bored I must be if I am attempting to share my experiences with you.  Right?  Wrong! The truth is that my wife constantly cooks healthy food and I miss butter.  I want charcuterie plates, oysters, burgers and sushi!  She wants me to live forever in a dull, tasteless, foodtopia of vegetables and tofu.  Don't get me wrong, I love my wife.  I would never choose anything over her.  She just doesn't understand my dilemma.  In a desperate ploy for culinary enlightenment I need an excuse to justify dining out once a week.  I've decided to convince my wife that a date night is important to keeping the "spark" bright in our marriage.  It's just a little white lie.  Nobody is gonna get hurt.  She likes food.  Everything will be fine as long as she doesn't figure out my true motives.  This is where you come in. 

In return for my cheaters remorse I will share my experiences.  Each week I will take my wife to a restaurant here in greater Asheville.  If we are lucky, I will eventually get to two a week.  Baby steps first.  Afterward I will share some random information in the form of a "review" and hopefully you will read it and offer some feedback.  Unless you are a jerk in which case I will find myself drinking heavily to swallow the guilt caused by your bullying.  This will probably result in the failure of this blog and my marriage.  I would prefer you to talk behind my back.  In the most unlikely case that you want to leave some quality feedback about this experiment, I thank you in advance.  My ego is only stimulated by gracious people.  You will just have to accept this as a part of my human identity.  Speaking of me!

In order to protect my identity I will not tell you who I am.  I can't have people knowing as I'm sure my reputation will be notorious and eventually strike fear into the heart of restaurant owners.   I might even be the next Mackensy Lunsford.  Have you experienced her scaremonger tactics?  She strikes fear in everyones heart.  Most importantly if my wife finds out what I am up to I'll be eating ground turkey and greens for the rest of my bitter existence.  Secrecy is imperative at this point.

The only drawback to this decision is it leaves out a level of intimacy that I should have with you.  I don't want you thinking I am just another pretentious food snob!  Neither of us want this whole identity thing looming over of us while you are trying to navigate the mental mazes I create.  While pen names are cliche they can be effective.  As much as I hate to be cliche I will consider this option.  In the mean time, you should subscribe. 

The Inlaws

Love is a strong bond between humans. It makes you do crazy things like go out to dinner with your significant others parents. Its a risky business especially when your wife's mother is constantly trying to convince her that you will never be good enough.  Everything is a test.  If the service is poor it reflects upon you. If the food is bad its your fault. Even if you have had the dish a dozen times and each time it was spot on.  It won't be that time you recommend it to one of her parents.  You might as well hang up the idea of having a glass of good wine or a couple of beers.  At that point in their eyes you're an alcoholic.  Its all about best behavior and blaming the restaurant pick on your wife through positive affirmations like "this was a great idea honey!" And "I would have never thought of making a reservation here! You're the best.".  Despite knowing the rules  all too well I took a leap of faith this time. When i found out they were coming to town I made reservations at the Seven Sows Bourbon and Larder.  I knew that Seven Sows was fairly new to the Asheville scene but I also knew the chef and owners weren't.  The only problem now was to convince the love of my life's parents this place was legit. 

Fortunately my wife's father is laid back, adventurous, positive and well, nice.  Her mother is an entirely different story.  She rarely leaves her comfort zone and is eager to let you know how bad it sucks when she does.  It can make for an uncomfortable series of events.  I however, am like a kid on Christmas morning.  Not only have I been looking forward to this restaurant for a week.  I've convinced my wife to go to a place with the name larder in it.  Try wrapping your mind around that one.  Back to the point.  The following are highlights in what I like to call "How not to piss off your in-laws while eating dinner as an outlaw.".

1:  Always smile.

Misery Loves Company

So your wife's mom is a bit of a...has a dogmatic personality.  Welcome to the club.  All you want is to sit back and enjoy your dinner drama free and with no hormonal interruptions.  Too bad.  Face the fact that this is going to be a long night.  Order a bottle of wine as quickly as possible.  When she starts to slur order some bread with a smile.  Ask her how she likes the local City Bakery ciabatta bread they use.  Talk about how amazing the truffle oil and Cruze butter tastes. If you don't do all of this with a smile, you will frown and waste away in misery while she pulls your wife to the side to discuss why you're being so condescending.  Scratch that.  She will have that discussion no matter what you do.  Finally, sit back and enjoy the amazing butter spread and the warm local bread and smile.  The night has just begun.

2.  Engage the parents.

Always engage your guests.  Otherwise they will think you are not interested in their company.  In this particular situation it can be difficult because while you don't mind talking to her father, your wife's mother can be a ramble box of negativity.  Conversation can become a delicate dance not to mention a test of patience.  An easy example is asking what the others are going to have for dinner.  In most situations this is a cut and dry Q&A session.  Dinner with MIL & FIL is not most situations.  After our little powwow my wife and I decided to share the grilled romaine salad to start.  I don't want to ruin your first experience with this so I will just say that it's creative, delicious and unexpected.  You'll see what I mean.  The best appetizer however, went to the woman of the hour.  MIL ordered the fried brussels sprouts.  I was fortunate enough to taste this via my wife as MIL didn't offer a taste to me directly.  I love brussels sprouts. Those of you who don't I happen to know for a fact that you will like these.  FIL doesn't particularly care for them and even he was splitting elbows with MIL.  The rutabaga hash was unbelievably good and thanks to my FIL I was able to get my hands on one of the soft egg halves.  So far, so good great.

3.  Pay attention.

Not only is this stressful for you, it's also stressful for your lover.  She wants to enjoy her evening too.  Picking up on her vibe is key to making sure your evening continues without a mother/daughter debate.  Despite the fact that your wife hates the way you eat she loves you.  She will stand up for you in the moment even if it means lashing out at her loving parents.  You do not want this.  That said, at this point I am trying to keep up with ignoring the conversation between wife and MIL, talking about golf with FIL, the loss of feeling in my hand from my lovers frustration squeezes under the table and dreaming of the food that is about to grace me. I've got my eyes posted on that kitchen door chanting quietly "send me my savior.".  Thank the food gods for the timing in the kitchen was great.  We didn't have to wait long before our entrees arrived at the table.  How can you go wrong with a bounty of rabbit, goat cheese, NC catfish, quail, collards and pulled pork (to name a few) bestowed upon your table.  These guys had just taken me to regions of the south I thought were long gone.  Each dish was rich in culture and love.  If this was a marriage, I was saying I do.  No shotgun necessary.

While it was difficult taking the inlaws to a new restaurant that thrives on being different.  That same restaurant saved my ass.  The food was phenomenal, service was great and the artwork and decor added to the experience.  Both MIL & FIL left extremely happy despite their initial trepidation.  The laid back feel coupled with attention to detail in everything they do will keep this restaurant pumping out great food for some time to come.  The best part of this experience was after we got home my wife made a reservation for the following week.  That's saying a lot Seven Sows considering all she eats is sticks and stones.

I'm a firm believer in the notion that good things come to those who wait.  I wouldn't recommend waiting however.  Grab those Subaru keys Asheville and get to Seven Sows.